new blog here

Sunny Brixton

Greetings, friends and other people. I haven't been updating this blog for a while, for some reason. I don't know what to write, maybe that's the problem. I spam on Twitter and Tumblr and I write about my days and school things in Discourtesy in the UK (also in Finnish)... I totally should update my website, too, but I'm too lazy to do that. Anyways, do you guys have any post ideas for me? Requests or something like that? I can do almost anything, haha. Hey now I know, I should document my Wreck This Journal experience. I should introduce some of my art projects too, right? That could be fun. I've been watching films lately, too, so I could write about them as well, and my studies of course, even though this blog is not really a place for them, now is it?

Anyways, if you don't know yet, I moved to Brixton last week and I've liked it in here so far. I've been happier than I've been, well, lately, even though I don't really know why. Having own peace is one thing, I think, as I have plenty of it in here (well, obviously, because I only know like five people). Doing things is another, and of course having this wonderful city around me affects as well, as London's been my all time favourite since I visited it for the very first time in 2010. I liked it before that, too, but only hypothetically as I didn't have any experience of my own.

This blog is in terrible need of pictures, don't you think? So, if you want to see some photos, just give me some ideas and I try to make time to take the photos or draw you something. Mmm yeah, I think I'll go to do some things now. Laters~

Changes

Everyone has their problems. Insecurities, dark moments in their pasts, nightmares that keep haunting them, things like that. There's no such a thing as a perfect human being and I'm sure everyone has something that bothers them - about they themselves, about their lives, about what not. Nevertheless, you can always fix those things, make it better and even if you failed on the first or the second or the tenth time, at least you've tried. I've been thinking about doing that. I've been planning on it, actually. This week has been a week of decisions and plans. I quit my work because it didn't inspire me and it ate most of my mental capacity, making me a nervous wreck. I don't actually blame the work itself - the place was nice and the people there were too. It just wasn't the right job for me. I'm happy I tried it, though, but now I have more time for myself and well, other things - namely art and dancing.

I'm going to wake up early every day, exercise or take a walk, cook something, draw like I did it for living (meaning 8 hours a row each weekday, with a couple of breaks of course), take another walk, cook again and then do whatever I want. I'm going to sleep at night, or at least try to. I'm not drinking alcohol. Not going out on weekdays. Not eating unhealthy food. Attending dance sessions and workshops and everything whenever possible. I'm trying to make myself happier and if the last six months have made me unhappy, what can I do about it? Learn. I can always learn.

I also rented myself a new flat. I'm moving in the beginning of August. That will, too, be a new beginning in a way. I'll only pack necessary things. Positive, beautiful things that I like. If there's something uninspiring, I'm leaving it behind. I'm going to make this home a beautiful and happy one. I'm trying to get a grip of my life again. I think I've said or at least thought about it a couple of times before, adding, 'and this time it's for real', so I won't say so now. I'm just saying that I'm learning and making change. That's what life is about, doing.

Problem solved

I now have a nice flat in which I can move August 1. I also quit my job in order to have more time for myself and all the things I've got to sort out. This, and I'm most likely meeting a friend later this evening (going to a bar but I don't feel like drinking, fuck yeah~ Guess I'll just have a couple of glasses of scotch and go home late at night) and another friend tomorrow at the Pride thing. She asked so yeah why not.

I should do things today. Guess I will. Combing my hair and dragging my bones to the city, to acquire SOME ART SHIT FUCK YEAH and well I don't know yet, we'll see. I'm excited. I can't wait to move. The flat's actually kind of cute, it's really small and I like it already. Wooden floors. Half-wainscotted walls. Big window. Nice yellow cupboards that match my black bookcase.

Sick

My lungs and throat hurt and I have a cough so I went to the healthcare centre and got myself a couple of days off from work. I hope it will be worth it and this pain will go away. I would love to go jamming today but I don't think I can, and a friend of mine has his birthday today, too, and I'll have to try my best to attend it. I'll at least go to visit them and say hello, if nothing else.

I also got in University of Tampere. I'll study Finnish language for the next year (I don't know if I'll stay for more than that, it depends on whether I get in the art school I apply or not) and I've been looking for a flat now. I found a couple of good ones and sent my application yesterday. I sure hope that I'll get that first one.

Here, have a photo I attached on the application:

I don't look like this anymore, though. Wish I did, the hair was fab.

Not There Yet

I have a cat I've got to take care of. I have a couple of art projects and a couple of writing projects. I still can't play the violin nor have I mastered the piano. I still haven't had my first dog. I haven't been thin. I haven't visited all the places I want to visit. I haven't seen the skies I want to see. I don't speak Japanese nor Russian yet, nor German nor Swedish fluently. I'm not as talented artist as I'd like to be. I don't know as many things as I'd want to, I'm not known for being good at anything and I haven't given the world anything at all. I've never loved my body. I haven't seen kaamos, the polar night, for real. I haven't got my own Wikipedia page. I haven't made an album. I haven't acted in a movie, not even in a small role. I haven't owned a cool car nor a good guitar. I still don't have all the books I want to own and I haven't finished my to read not to watch -lists. I haven't studied abroad. I haven't been to an university. I haven't seen London in New Year's Eve, nor during Yuletide. I haven't rented my own apartment and I've never had a flatmate. I haven't been hiking. I don't write perfectly with my right hand...

That's what keeps me going. There's nothing wrong with being imperfect. At some point it can be the force that keeps you alive, the reason why you live can be to develop and educate yourself. This incompleteness can be a strength and it sure is something you'll never get rid of because if people are anything, they're defective and they will always remain so. When you take this road the only questions are what level of incompleteness you are willing to tolerate and what you are going to do about it afterwards.

But I Have Things To Do

It's night. 3.04 AM. The cat's playing on the floor. I don't know what it's doing really, it's too dark to see. I don't think I care. All the things are on the floor because I haven't cared for weeks. I haven't given a shit about anything for weeks. I've tried to plan things and I've got excited. It works for a while. I've discussed with people and I've got nice messages just because of these people are my friends (or so I'd like to believe, as I always remind myself) and help because the people at work want me to be good at my work. If I'm not, I'm only a burden there, too. I've thought about future. The future, the unknown time ahead of me, the time of which I don't know anything about. I know I'm attending at least one concert this autumn, if I don't suddenly die or something else doesn't happen all surprisingly. I got a rejection letter from an university today. It doesn't concern me much, probably not as much as it should, at least if some of my family members are concerned. They shouldn't be, though. It's okay, I guess I'm over that. I should try, at least. What isn't over is the uncertainty. I don't know about my plans and I'm quite sure many people are in the same situation right now. Guess it's okay. It'll all clear up this week.

I'll get my tattoo done this Saturday. I'm not sure whether I hope it'll hurt or not, since it's my first tattoo and I don't know. I'm taking it all by myself. Many people have other people around when they get their tattoos or piercings, I've never had that. It's okay. I haven't asked anyone. I wonder if that's my problem, never asking, because people keep slipping away. They make distance. They forget or 'forget' or just simply let it be and go away without saying a word and never coming back. I try my best with relationships but I simply suck at it. I try to express my caring, I try not to over-express it, I try to be there and I try not to be too clingy and I try to be interested enough without being too annoying but it's all very difficult. I end up having very superficial friendships with people. They go away. They are based on a couple of things only. Those things can be an activity (drinking), company we have in common (if we're that kind of people who meet in parties of some people we all know), internet (obviously), a hobby of some sort (mainly dancing), an institution (school or work or in my case, former school) or something like that. It's all fine and dashing, I'm quite sure nearly everyone has that kind of friends.

I, however, have only that kind of friends. I think it's my own fault, in the end, but I'm not sure how. No one's ever told me yet one by one everyone goes away eventually. New ones come around. Old ones go away. Sometimes I wish someone would stay but I don't dare to hope that anymore because I've seen how it works with me, usually. I don't trust people anymore. I used to but it isn't a new thing that I don't trust - I haven't done so for years. Sometimes I wish that I mattered something to someone else but me and perhaps mum (if I matter something more to her than my achievements anyway). Usually I don't care because I can carry on like this, it's possible and sometimes even enjoyable. It's possible to be all alone and be happy. It's only challenging.

It's a bit tricky to get yourself to begin the day when you're tired, you suck at the work you do and you hate what the creature in the mirror looks like but it's possible. It's possible to feed the cat, drive to the office, be at work, do your work, come back home, eat and eat and eat and eat and then take a shower and sleep if the computer lets you. Sometimes the ideas grow too big and it's time to vomit them on the paper in the form of text or visual art. Sometimes someone asks out. Sometimes they even actually go out after asking. Mostly not but it's okay, I bet there's a reason for it. Maybe it is, indeed, my bad social self-confidence, the fact that I never ask people to do anything with me. Well, I do but very rarely, and only if the people have asked me before several times. I love doing things with people. I just feel like I bother them if I ask, I feel like they have better things to do by themselves or other company than it would be with me. I feel obligated to keep my company entertained and I'm not good at it so I get stressed and afraid and don't ask. I don't know if everyone realises it but it's a big problem to me and I have actually made progress with it; I have actually asked some people sometimes, even though I mostly get no and yes okay but they never tell me what time would be right and even though they were people who've asked me before. For me, it's a huge step.

Anyhow, maybe it's all fine and should be so. I don't know if everyone needs stable friendships. Lasting friendships. Friendships that don't go out of the window every second or sixth or eighteenth month or something like that. I've been around for almost nineteen years. I remember maybe fourteen or more. During that time I haven't had any friendships that would've lasted more than a couple of years (at most) except for that one that ended completely, once and for all, about three years ago.

I don't have anyone to talk to because I don't think that anyone gives a flying fuck about what's going on in my life and head. I don't want to bother people with those things, even if my head was about to explode. This is why I'm writing this entry, to keep my thoughts in order and away from other people's lives. This is probably my least read blog so it's good for this kind of things. If you're reading this, I don't know what to say to you. Hi maybe. Greetings. I could tell you dark things, I could tell you happy things. How could you know what's real and what's theatre? How could you know whether I'm telling you happy things because I want you to stop thinking I'm a no good attention whore? How could you tell if I was telling you dark and sad things because I'm actually feeling them inside my head and skin and bones every single second I'm alive and breathing? You couldn't. Or maybe you could, I don't know about you, but if it was me reading this as an outsider, I probably couldn't. I don't think you'd care and I don't think I care about that either, though. Now I'm rambling and I'm not even sorry because I'm writing this entry for myself and for me this makes sense perfectly well, at least as much as I usually do.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I'd go somewhere but I don't have time. I'd get something. Maybe it'd make me a better person. Maybe it wouldn't. But the chances are. I wish it was autumn. This summer has sucked so much so far and it doesn't seem to get any better. I'm happy for all of the people who have good things in life and who are living precious, happy moments they'll always remember. I'm happy for everyone who live. Who breathe in the views of the misty summer mornings, whether it was after a very late night or a very early wakeup and who walk around the dim sidewalks or paths in the dead of night, who see the stars and galaxies and flashing lights and fireflies. You're all beautiful. You're all alive.

I don't really feel up to it. Haven't felt for a long, long time. But I have things to do.

Thank You

A rough translation. The original song. I could make a better translation but I'm too lazy and it's here only because I wanted not-Finnish-speaking people to know what the song is about because it's relevant to one of my writing projects. (Molly's House, if anyone's familiar with it.)

Maybe you remember me
And you can't confide:
Write about us now when
your new one's angry
and can't stand me at all.
In my dream illusions I see you,
no one can take them away from me.


It goes like this many times:
Everything isn't shown on the surface
You got angry when you couldn't get in
my closed rooms
You wanted to know why
there always was a piece missing,
why I drifted and evaded.
Oh, if I'd know myself


Although all can be forgotten
Thanks for putting up with me, even for too long
You accepted a half of me in your madness
It's as much as I've ever been able to give


If I can ask one thing
even though it wasn't so
Please tell me I'm unique,
so that I believe it,
Others aren't as much
No one can exceed
Even though some one's got to do


Thanks for trying to understand
I knew that even you couldn't do it
And if I remember too much sometimes
I drink one more and I'll remember
a lot less.


Even though everything can be forgotten
Thanks for putting up with me, even for too long
Thanks for accepting a half of me
That's as much as I've ever been able to give
Maybe you remember me

You'd Be Really Pretty, But...

Body image is a widely discussed topic nowadays and there's no wondering why: people seem to have serious issues about it and its many aspects. Some people feel they're too thin, some see themselves too fat and some hate their crooked nose or freckled face. What is wrong with bodies and why can't we see them equally beautiful? I was thinking about this question some time ago and got this idea of telling you my own story. Most of the people who think they know me do not know any or most of the following.

I'm quite sure there's something beautiful in every single one of us but every single one of us has their own opinions about the things they find beautiful or visually or otherwise pleasing. I happen to appreciate intelligence, smart dressing and when aesthetics are in question, I could admit that I love thin people. Why? Because I think myself as an intelligent being myself, I love stylish clothes (whatever the style is, actually, as long as it looks good to me) and I would kill for having a body as thin as 1960's Twiggy's. But where does it all come from? I surely don't think that people that aren't thin would be any worse than the people who are – I know too many people that prove me otherwise – but there are certain associations I make whenever I see a fat person. I simply can't help it, oh how I wish that I could, and it doesn't make think less of them especially if their condition is not their own fault. I blame the past and my own visual tastes which also are a personal thing that I can't affect much on my own, no matter how hard I tried, and believe me, I have tried.

To tell you something about my past then, my history of body shaming is long and eventful. It all began on the first grade when my teacher told the class how I had put on weight. Ever since I've been the fat girl. The truth is that I never was that fat, not until very recent years. I wasn't overweight during my teenage years and I wasn't that during most of the elementary school either. I, nevertheless, was called fat and ugly. When I was on the seventh grade and we had swimming lessons at school, peopled referred to me as a cow. Not because I was such a horrible bitch (I'm not exactly sure if I was one back then, I probably have always been one) but because well, we all know that cows aren't the most petite animals there is. Even some of my friends have given me subtle hints about my weight. I don't mind that much nowadays as I really am a bit overweight and I do think that I should lose some weight but if you've been insecure about the  topic for over half of your life, it leaves traces and it most likely won't be an easy subject for you to talk from that point of view, especially if the people's comments are something like "You'd be really pretty, but..."

Nowadays I can't think myself as a beautiful person, not as a whole. I love some of my features, like my sense of style, most of my hairdos, makeup and my face - and sometimes, more rarely, my legs. I, however, hate all the other parts of my body. I never smile nor make faces in pictures because all the faces make me look even fatter. I look like that when I smile, when I grin, when I have any other expression on but my neutral, serious face I have plastered on my face in all my photos. Most of my clothes look horrible on me and I never find any clothes from flea markets because I'm four sizes too big. I can't go to the beach because I find myself repulsive and terrifying. I can't go out to the city without feeling ashamed. I should be skinny, I should weigh 30 kg less than I currently do,  I feel like no one can ever want to be seen with me, let alone have sex with me or love me and my appearance because my body is so horrendous and antic.

You might suggest that losing weight would solve all my problems and that, my dear droogs, is very true. It would, if only it'd be possible. The thing just is that I happen to have PCOS and most likely one or more of eating disorders and probably other less severe mental shenanigans to think about. PCOS makes it difficult to lose weight, yet ironically one of the ways to tread it is doing exactly that. I've tried it and I've tried medicines yet they didn't work at all either - they actually made me put on more weight. I stopped using them on my own after my sex life allowed that to be done. The other thing that makes losing weight extremely difficult are my binging sprees. I sometimes can be days without eating and then have binges of several thousands of calories. I can't control it when it happens as those are moments of total lost of control. When I keep myself occupied, doing things and meeting people, they don't occur that often but that kind of lifestyle also exhausts me a great deal, being the introvert I am.

I've tried getting help but the help I got didn't, well, help me; I'm sick of food journals and exercising plans that I can't carry out because I'm too tired or busy or poor or demotivated and I'm sick of discussing pointless shit with people who obviously try to help but they don't do it in a way that would actually make anything any better. It's not that I didn't know how to eat and exercise and live. I know it perfectly well. Maybe I'm just too much of a loser to do anything with that knowledge or maybe it's another thing that's fucked up in this pretty little head of mine.

Detail

From the picture I was drawing on the train. I'll probably finish this. Portfolio material!

Trains And Summer Rains

Drawing in the rain on the train. (It was raining outside when I sketched this.)

Greetings from the train! I'm now on my way to Tampere where I'll have my last entrance exams on Finnish and English philology this week. The English exam will be tomorrow and the Finnish exam the day after. I'll be back home on Friday night. Apart from being busy with work, studying and the endless amount of procrastination I always spend my time with, my life has been very basic normal every day. I graduated from upper secondary school last Saturday and am no longer a student. Doesn't feel special as I've got to apply other schools anyway. My number one option is, of course, University of the Arts in London. I just sent my documents to the translator and they'll be back shortly. I have my IELTS exams carried out, me and my former art teacher shall take care of the references next week and I only need to finish a couple of works for my portfolio. And of course I have to write my study proposal but that's not a problem, I have outlined it months ago.

Anyways, I got over 1000€ as a present last weekend (collectively: most of the people who attended my party gave me 50 or 20 €) and it means that whether I get in the university in London, I'm traveling there this autumn nevertheless. We just discussed about it at the party with the people we were there during my last visit; they wanted to go back soon too (well, of course they did). I don't know if I'll be traveling alone or with some sort of company, both options are fine as I'm quite used to adventuring around by myself too and it'd be only intriguing to go there by myself. I've got to wait until The Games are over, though, I don't want to go there when the city's full of people because of them. Of course the city is full of people anyway, being a lovely lively place as it is, but everything has its limit, especially my tolerance of crowds.

Anyhow, I just realised that I haven't made my London post yet. We didn't really do anything special while we were there, just spent a fuck load of money and walked a shit ton of miles. I bought my graduation dress and shoes from there. Mum went to the tube for the very first time, couldn't use it and the nice lad there told us to keep an eye on her. We promised to do so. We took a lot of photos and because I really hate editing, you won't see them anytime soon but I promise I'll upload some of them some time. We hung around the city and bought clothes and things we couldn't find (or that would be a lot more expensive) in Finland. Next time I'll have to go to Camden Town as I hadn't time for that last month. Everything went well if we close our eyes from the things that happened in the hotel; it was one of the dozens of hotels in Pimlico, those white ones that stand one next to another and look exactly the same. When we got there, we found out that our room was technically in the basement. It didn't really bother us and if we would've been smokers, we'd been in heaven; we kind of had a backyard. (No, not really, it was a dark and dirty alley behind the hotel but we had a door that could be opened there and it would've been a perfect place to go smoking if only we would've done so.) That wasn't all.

After the first night, we had some food in the room, thinking that we'd save time if we ate there and then went out to the city. I was casually eating my blueberry muffin with some age old breakfast tea when mum took a closer look at her lemon one: it had been bitten. That's when we noticed that we probably had an unwanted visitor in our room and when I was about to wash my teeth, I saw the worm-like tail swish behind the toilet seat. Mum hates rats and I don't think hotel rooms should have rats that act like they pay for it or something either, so mum insisted that we should tell the staff and change the room. So we did. It was tedious and involved a lot of talking with the annoying guy who worked at the reception. I managed to get us another room.

Everything didn't go smoothly with that one either, as when we were waiting for Kaisa and Vuokko to pay us a visit, we left our key outside the door. Someone stole it and we had to pay for it. It was even more annoying to do. Mum was quite sure the person who took they key was actually working at the hotel but I don't know, could've been anyone. It just was the done thing there, some people left their keys outside their doors and I don't know whether theirs were taken as well or not. Anyhow, apart from the hotel fuckery, all went quite well.

I really can't wait going back. My current location bores me so much! It's good that I have work, it keeps me busy. The quality of my procrastination online has also become a lot better: I got a new laptop. It's a MacBook Pro which I named Irene. (Why yes, I do name my electronics: my iPhone is called Mirana and the desktop's name's Asta.) My old laptop was such a pain in the arse to use; the graphic card was broken so the display fucked up all the colours. It was also slow and it didn't run Photoshop anymore.

Hmm. Now I should probably start writing my Camp NaNoWriMo novel Molly's House I've been geeking about for everyone who knows me in real life for a couple of weeks now. I'm behind schedule but it's okay, I really don't have time to do it yet I try my best to do it anyway. Writing is always good and it's a really fun and different story to write. It's way more serious than Utopia but it's more personal than there's nothing in the woods.

That, or I could draw. Too many things to do, so little time, even though trains are really good timesavers when you have tasks like this to be accomplished.

Monday Morning Miso Soup

Cheers! I'm still waiting for the inspiration to write the London entry. I will, sooner or later and if I won't, I'll at least dumb a shit ton of photos. Anyhow, it's Monday and I'm about to travel today. Where to? Jyväskylä! I'll have an entrance exam there tomorrow so, having a couple of days off from work, I'm travelling there now. I'll leave this afternoon as I have a couple of things that should be taken care of before my leaving.

First of all, I lost my wallet last weekend (no, that had nothing to do with alcohol - I was driving all weekend) so I now have to get myself a new ID/passport/something, new Visa & Electron and of course the key code list to my bank account so I can use it online again. I don't really know what happened, I just put the thing down for a second and the next it was gone which I didn't realise so I only noticed in the city. I, of course, closed my accounts so I believe no one had time to steal all my money. Some luck, I didn't have any cash!

Anyhow, tomorrow I'll have my first entrance exam (I weaselled off from the two I would've had...) and I haven't slept at all. 'Why?' you might ask. Let me tell you! It's this bloody insomnia! I've always been rather bad at sleeping but this is really getting ridiculous at times. Some nights I simply can not sleep at all and then I'm all zombie-like the next day. It's really annoying and it's disturbed my daily life every now and then, luckily not all the time. Oh well, I bet I'll sleep well tonight. And in the bus. Yes, I'm taking a bus because it takes less time than a train would have. Now that I don't have my wallet, all my student cards are missing too, so I don't get any discounts. Everything costs so fucking much that I consider myself lucky, having a job. Telemarketing isn't the most reputable career but it's work! Not even the worst possible job, actually, it's quite okay. 

But so, yeah, I'm very bored at the moment. My miso is cold and so is my horrible-tasting tea that has only honey in it because I ran out of milk once again. How relevant and interesting, yes? I'd better watch the quality of my writings, really, I haven't posted anything good or thoughtful for a long time. I think a lot but I rarely write it down these days and I should work on it! Or at least post drawings or something. Or whatever. Okay. Now I'll shut up.

I should inform you

about my London trip but I'm too tired and backachy at the moment. So, I'll do it another day. Have this old photo instead and believe me, that the weekend was very eventful and surprisingly refreshing.

I Hate Easter

for the reasons that follow;

• Nothing is open.
  
  • Not the library, where I could study getting shit done.
  • Not the shops where I could go to spend time just looking at things I could never afford.
  • Not the shops in which I could go to buy some food and tea because I don't have my favourite morning tea anymore and I ran out of cheese yesterday.
  • Not the post office so I can't get my letter posted until Tuesday and I wrote it two days ago so yeah, shit's getting old~
    
    
• The schedules of public transport are all fucked (but they are so every regular Sunday, too, so yeah).
• The decorations annoy me, apart from flowers which are actually quite cool.
• There are so many other things that annoy me in it (you know, the way they celebrate it in Finland, but I'm not getting in details because I'd just bore you to death and it'd be a long list).
  

I don't even celebrate the holiday because it's not part of my ideology in anyway, maybe I could have it as a celebration for spring and such but as I'm not a big fan of the season, I don't find it necessary at any rate. Anyhow, if you happen to care about this excuse of a non-weekday, I wish yours is pleasant! And actually, even if you didn't. Happy whatever you're spending today, be it a holiday of some sort or just a regular Sunday.

Kevät

Lämmin oli
auringonkehrä

Sinisenä taivaan verisuonet
Jalkakäytävää
sukat märkinä
katsomaan sillan kaidetta

Oli jäitä
ja oli lumia

Oppi ojaan kaatoi - omaa syytäkö?

Ylioppilaskirjoitukset ovat minun kohdaltani ohi, enemmän tai vähemmän kunnialla. Osalla opiskelijoista on jäljellä vielä kieliä ja matematiikkaa, mutta minun pitäisi tarttua pääsykoekirjoihin, joita en tosin ole vielä edes tilannut. Pääsykokeet saattavat jäädä huonolle lukemiselle, eivätkä pelkästään luonnollisen laiskuuteni takia, vaan myös sen, että opiskelu alkaa pikku hiljaa tuntua sangen puuduttavalta puuhalta. Kuten Rosa Meriläinen kirjoittikin kolumnissaan, vievät ylioppilaskirjoitukset opiskelijoilta turhan paljon tarvittavaa energiaa pääsykokeiden vaatimaan luku-urakkaan nähden. Paitsi että ylioppilaskirjoitukset haittaavat pääsykokeisiin valmistautumista, niistä tehdään muutenkin liian iso juttu. Aivan liian monet stressaavat niistä turhan paljon, yhtenä syynä varmasti se, että päättökokeilla pelotellaan jo ensimmäisenä vuonna. Joka käänteessä muistetaan muistuttaa, miten tärkeää on tietää mitä kirjoittaa, käydä oikeita kursseja ja valmistautua kokeisiin hyvissä ajoin. Tiedän monta ihmistä, jotka käyttivät edellisen kesän viime syksyn kirjoituksiin kertaamiseen. Ei siinä mitään, jos tahtoo käyttää aikansa opiskeluun, mutta nämä samat henkilöt olivat niitä, jotka koepäivän aamuna panikoivat käytävässä ja näyttivät olevan miltei varmoja siitä, että koe menee huonosti.

Samanlaisiin tapauksiin törmäsi kevään kirjoituksiin valmistautuessa. Valtaosa ihmisistä käytti lukulomansa siihen itseensä, eli lukemiseen. Monilla oli aikataulu, joiden tekemistä opinto-ohjaaja suositteli itse kullekin, ja joka jäi allekirjoittaneelta tekemättä syystä tai toisesta. Useat pänttäsivät kokeisiin hiki hatussa ja tuli hännän alla, isoa ja pahaa improbaturia peläten tai ehkä laudaturia tavoitellen, yhdistävänä tekijänään pelko ja paniikki, mutta myös tietty motivaatio.

Kaikilla tätä motivaatiota ei ole. Minä itse kuulun siihen porukkaan, jolta kirjat jäivät pääosin lukematta. En jättänyt opiskelematta sen takia, että olisin ajatellut olevani tarpeeksi hyvä kymppi- ja yhdeksikkörivistöineni, enkä sen, että olisin oikeasti niin luvattoman laiska. Opiskelemattomuuteni syy lienee hyvin pitkälti jaksamisessa ja aikaansaamisessa: koulumotivaation laskettua pakkasen puolelle kirjoihin oli vaikea enää tarttua. Jos tulevaisuus näyttää toivottomalta, opiskelupaikan saaminen utopistiselta harhakuvalta ja työhaastatteluihin pääseminen rikollisen vaikealta rakettitieteeltä, on hankala löytää syitä siihen, miksi väsynyt valveillaoloaika pitäisi käyttää lukemiseen. Luettava myös oli sellaista, ettei sitä yksinkertaisesti jaksanut kahlata läpi: kahdessa ensimmäisessä psykologiankirjassa minulla meni kaksi viikkoa siksi, etten pystynyt keskittymään, ajatukset harhailivat ja välillä meinasin rehellisesti nukahtaa. Olin valinnut väärän reaalin - minun olisi pitänyt kirjoittaa historia, jota olisin ehkä jaksanut lukea paremmin.

Vikaa on toki muuallakin. Opiskelija, joka ei löydä työpaikkaa yrittämisestä huolimatta, ja joka menestyy opinnoissaan vähintään keskinkertaisesti suhteellisen vaivattomasti, jää oman onnensa nojaan. Sellaista, jolla menee näennäisesti ihan hyvin, ei tueta eikä kannusteta, ja vaikka suoritukset olisivat hyviä, niistä saa harvemmin minkäänlaista kiitosta tai arvostusta keneltäkään. Jos arabialainen numero ei riitä ainoaksi palkinnoksi, pitäisi kai mennä itseensä ja hävetä huomiohuoruuttaan. Opiskelijalla, jolla on kauheasti kavereita ja välit vanhempiinkin ovat suhteellisen hyvässä kunnossa, on toki myös kunnollinen tukiverkko, eikä häntä mielletä yksinäiseksi. Totta kai siitä välitetään kun sillä on niitä kavereita. Sen vanhemmatkin, vieläpä työssäkäyvät ihmiset, ovat vielä yhdessä, se asuu omikseen ja sen asunto on suht rauhallinen ja lähellä opiskelupaikkaa. Mikä sillä voisi olla hätänä? Harva huomaa, että sellaisellakin ihmisellä voi olla vaikeaa. Potentiaalia ehkä on, mutta oman uskon ja voimien loppuessa kaikki eivät ehkä saa enää edes yritettyä. Kaikilla ei ole kenen puoleen kääntyä, jos opiskelu ja elämä ylipäätään alkaa tuntua tuulimyllyjen kanssa tappelemiselta.

Minä jaksoin melkein viisi vuotta, mutta sitten tuli raja vastaan. Lukion viimeisessä jaksossa en jaksanut enää herätä aamulla kouluun, lukea kokeisiin, enkä tehdä ollenkaan läksyjä. En ollut tehnyt niitä aina ennenkään, mutta jossain vaiheessa lopetin kokonaan ja keskityin tunneilla piirtämiseen, netin selaamiseen ja univelkojen kiinninukkumiseen. Tämä ei tietenkään ollut ylioppilaskirjoitusten, ystävien, perheen, eikä koulun vika, vaan minun itseni. Joskus kuitenkin mietityttää, mikä yhteiskunnan ja sosiaalisen verkoston rakenteissa ajaa ihmisen tilanteeseen, jossa arkielämä tuntuu siltä, että siitä tekee mieli vain poistua palotikkaiden kautta jälkiä jättämättä.

From My Adventures in the Curious Kingdom of Music

My long journeys on Youtube and Spotify have paid off. Let me share my newest musical discoveries. Some of these are, well, newer than the other, but anyways, I haven't been a fan of any of theirs for a long time and I still don't actually consider myself as one, as it would require more than just generally liking for the music for a while but anyway, here's a piece of my ridiculously vast taste of music. Enjoy, or bear with me.

1. Luomuhappo
Finnish psy-trance, breakbeat, electro and ambient. This what I jam to home alone when I have nothing to do. Private party material. I bet everyone's already sick of me fangirling this but I can't help it because I haven't found anything this addictive for a while!

2. Vitamin String Quartet
Their tributes are fuckin' amazing. Ideal writing music. And there's a lot of it. Even on Spotify. Many of the tributes are a million times better than the original songs, I think, as I prefer my mainstream pop music played this way.

3. Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble of Shadows
Lovely writing and drawing music! According to Wikipedia, they play neoclassical darkwave, dark folk, neo-medieval and gothic rock. I'm a lost cause in terms of genres but God, I love this very song.

4. Caravan Palace
French electroswing! I found this randomly from Spotify and fell in love instantly. Another private party band of mine. If I was music I would probably be something like this. At times. Maybe quite often.

5. Hannah Fury
The kind of music I use when I need background music for random chilling. Yay for melancholic dark cabaret. I don't think Wikipedia has it right on that, though, this is not dark. The colour I associate this music with is white, it reminds me of winter and light. It's not happy, but it's light, feather-like.

I Found Watercolours

Deaths and Doodles

Drawing drill: draw a favourite character in different style. So yeah, I doodled Death from Sandman. I tried Morpheus too, but I didn't like the result so I didn't bother to publish it.

Another Death.

My sketch wall! I should attach the pictures with Blu-Tack or something so my blackboard would be free for notes like "REMEMBER TO BUY THE NEW BLACK PENCIL YOU BITCH" And I should add the Deaths.

Matriculation Examination of English

So yeah, I had my final exam of English today. I have to admit that I should have studied way more than I did (to be honest, I didn't study at all, well, more than usual - it's quite normal of me to read the dictionary from time to time and check the usage of some prepositions or idioms and shit once in a blue moon). The exam wasn't particularly difficult but it wasn't easy either. The preliminary exam was about as difficult as this one but I fucked up the listening comprehension test on that, at least compared to this exam. I honestly don't know how well I did so I'm quite scared right now. I don't think I'll try again if I get an E (the grades from the worst to the best: I [failed], A, B, C, M, E, L), however, as it's a pretty decent grade and I don't want to stay in upper secondary anymore, I have universities ahead of me... If I don't get in anywhere, I think I could give it another shot, though.

It's just so damn funny how casual it felt to jot down the essay we had to compose. It was basically exactly the same as writing a blog entry. I planned it well and wrote it twice just because I had time and yes, the second version ended up being noticeably better than the first draft was. Well, of course. I don't claim I'd always go through the same process with my blog entries but sometimes I do and I did the same with my Finnish essay on my last exam, once again, because I had time.

I guess I did relatively well, given the circumstances. I slept for four hours last night and haven't particularly studied. At least the exam will now tell about my real knowledge and ability more than the amount of things I've got memorised. I think it's more important to be able to use the language just as you wish than do well on exams, language is, after all, just a tool. It can be beautiful, remarkable, witty, entertaining, informing, interesting, alarming, thought-provoking, emotional, what the fuck not, but it's a tool nevertheless, and it's one of the best there is.

The Double Life

I often write about things I can't talk about. Right now I think I can't even write my thoughts down. Technically I could, but I don't think they'd interest anyone so I won't as it would be utterly pointless and waste of my time. (Doesn't it just kill you inside when people confuse the words 'waist' and 'waste'?) No, nothing has happened and yes, everything's alright. I just have a lot of things in my mind, things that disappoint and disturb me, some more than others. Some of them are related to my life, actually most of them are, some to me myself and very little of them to other people. I highly dislike having feelings at times.

Friday

There are two things I hadn't thought about this day when it began:

• It's Friday and
• The winder holiday is about to begin

So, technically I'm on the winter holiday now. It's not the whole truth as I haven't been at school for a while now, so I either have been on a holiday for a couple of weeks already or I haven't been on a holiday at all and won't be on a holiday in future. I think it's the latter, as I'll have to study like a fuckin' maniac for the next month-or-so. Mostly English and psychology - I've focused on psychology now but my English skills are in desperate need of sharpening, I have to fuckin' exceed myself in the upcoming exam like I already did with the listening comprehension part - not forgetting to give a thought for Finnish as well. I'd have had a revision class of it today but I didn't have time to go there because I had to write my English essay which I had completely forgotten. I just happened to turn the calender page this morning as the month had changed and I noticed that bloody Hell, I have an English lesson today. I had thought it'd be next week but no, of course not. Then I realised people don't have school next week. I'll sure have studying.

The moment your English teacher points out a typo you made in an old blog entry is one of the most embarrassing and annoying things in life, by the way. I don't write blog like that anyway; I don't always check spelling (but when I do, I do it damn well) and sometimes I write when I'm really tired or simply annoyed and that's when I don't pay that much attention. If I write on paper, I simply don't make typos. If I wasn't any wiser, I'd also take his doubt about my writing skills in terms of such a mundane word as an insult to my ability but I don't as I guess his intentions were good.

My sleeping schedule is still pretty fucked up and it will get worse next week when I know that I won't have to get up any day and I can stay up ALL the nights. I've been procrastinating quite much but I've done it pretty productively, discussing with nice people (practising English in practise, much?) and drawing and just doing nice things to keep myself sane. I should clean up the flat but as I don't feel up to it, I don't think I will. I'll just wash the dishes and take the trash, I'll clean up before anyone pays me a visit anyway.

I'll be a gingerhaze in two weeks. Yay. And received a text so I'd better be off to check it. 

Sherlocks of the 21st Century

This was written for school, in a hurry and without planning anything at all before. It's very short and doesn't contain even half of the points of view I'd like to talk about but it's already too long so I had to leave it be. I only publish it because my printer had run out of ink and I couldn't print it out and e-mail is just dull.


Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes was created in late 1800s and has continued his life even after Doyle’s own ended, like many fictional heroes do. The popular culture has re-found Sherlock Holmes quite recently; BBC made it into a modern day TV-show, Warner Bros produced two movies and now CBS is jumping on the bandwagon with an American version of Holmes. Why? In the time of rip-offs new ideas in popular culture could be announced dead anyway – or could they? No, obviously not, but it seems to be done thing today to use old ideas rather than new ones, it being another story.
 

It’s not a bad nor good thing that these versions are made as it’s all about the version itself. Sherlock Holmes is a good start: it’s well-known and written but its golden age was that long ago that people don’t remember it as a mainstream thing nowadays. The characters and ideas are good material for making different translations and it’s not a surprise that these adaptions have become quite popular. Thinking about the modern versions of the 2010’s Holmes, BBC got it done first. Their approach is quite fresh yet it mostly  follows the ideas of original works, updating the content but not getting lost in translation, at least not very far. The whole modern day idea has upset some of the fans of the original books and Granada’s old series that was more loyal to them, though, and many people think they’ve taken the interpretation too far. 

Therefore, I wonder what kind of reception the CBS version will get as it seems to take interpretation to the next level, move Holmes from London and may alter – at least – John Watson’s character quite crucially. I’m waiting curiously to see Elementary, the CBS’s contribution to the Holmes family, mostly because I’m honestly curious about how they’ll do it and what they will add and leave out.

The Gilded Cage of Commercial Art

I've been creating art all my life. Ever since I first got a pencil in my hand, I decorated the walls of our home with shaky lines and drew little creatures freely wherever I felt they fit. I didn't care about limitations nor rules and I don't think I've ever really learned why they should even exist in terms of art. When I was nine, I decided to become so good at art that no one would question my talent. That was stupid and childish, but well, I was nine so what can you expect? There will always be people who question you and most often the worst, harshest critic you'll ever meet is yourself. It is only good to face people who don't think all positively about your work as it broadens your horizon, which is really useful for a creative worker. Not everyone likes all kind of art so there's absolutely no use to try to please all the people on Earth, not even beginning about the whole universe itself.

What is important, is the way you work and what you receive from working. If you're not trying to please anyone at all and you still take commissions, it won't probably end well on your side: the customers have needs, they want you to express things they can't, don't want or don't have time to express themselves and it means that you have to meet their desires some way or they will be displeased. You have to listen. Just like it's benefitical to listen to the people who criticise you, even if you didn't agree with them, it's very good for you, your work and your business, to take the clients seriously and try to do something they really want you to do. All clients don't, however, always know what is the best way to present something visually, so even if you worked strictly by the contract, you sure can stretch limits. Ideally, there are no boundaries in terms of art and usually all rules you're given can be handled more as guidelines. If you do your work well, keep it unique and capture what is important and relevant to your commission, it's usually all fine. Remembering that you can express yourself and let your own voice be heard in even strictly monitored works keeps it fun.

I will stop creating art when it stops being enjoyable. I may whine a lot, I may curse, I may sound like I'm in a living Hell while I'm working on a piece and I may be on the verge of losing it but in the end I enjoy it. I enjoy overcoming the obstacles I come across and getting things ready just the way I implied. The whole process is one of the greatest joys I experience, perhaps the greatest. I actually love even the most annoying, frustrating parts of it, the moments I just can't do something and then, almost magically, get it done in the end. It's a marvellous moment the feeling of success I receive from that is something way more valuable than all the things you can get with these little pieces of doodle paper, called money. I do a lot of personal work for practise and my own entertainment, of course, but I find the same fun in creating works I've been asked to, as long as I can use my style and work the way I like. If I'm asked to paint, I want to paint the way I paint, if I'm asked to ink, I want to ink the way I ink, simple as that. If I'm told to use another technique, I can give it a shot if it's something interesting, visually pleasing and worth learning, because learning is always good, but if I'm asked to turn my style completely upside down, it can never work with me and the efford I could make would be in vain. I support being various and doing different things, trying new techniques and learning all you can about creating but you also have to know your own limits, the limit of when the work you do is not yours anymore, when doing it starts to feel bad, wrong or something that doesn't speak your mind at all.

Art for fun can be a way to express freedom and created listening to no one but your own heart and soul, but commercial art is all about finding the balance between your own wild rebellion and the customer's needs. We aren't, after all, here to meet our clients' expectations, we're here to exceed them and that's when it's time to get really creative. New is good and refreshing but you should never forget who you are because I bet you've done a lot of work to become that very being.

Selkäamputaatio

Selkäamputaatio ois ihan jees. Selkärankaahan minulla ei tunnetusti ole muutenkaan ja nyt se pirulainen meni ja valvotti minua koko yön. Opiskelepa tässä nyt sitten tai hae töitä tai mitään kun et ole nukkunut univelkoja pois. Palkittee eikä yhtää hajota!

Muuten menee normaalisti. Täällä on kylmä ja olin yöllä palelluttaa itseni, dieetteily sujuu kohtuullisen hyvin ja kevään tehtävälistalla on enää portfolio, pääsykokeet ja kirjoitukset. Ei pahasti.

Cold and Talented -20

Dad's car seems to be okay. We tried it with my aunt today. I haven't driven with it for a while so I thought it wouldn't start but it did so we drove it for some time. But yeah, it's cold as fuck out there, I nearly lost my fingers on the way home from school and as it's only two hundred metres, it means it had to be cold out there and it really was. It felt more than -20 C but it wasn't, according to the thermometre. It's starting to feel like a good old Finnish winter again! I'm actually pleased, even though it means that I'll have to start wearing warmer clothes.

By the way, how am I going to survive writing an English essay if I can't use phrases like "for shits and giggles" and "not giving a flying fuck"? Every other word of mine is practically a cuss word so it'll be real pain in the arse to try to cut it out and write something serious for a change. I've spent way too much time on discussing with people, writing blog entries and spamming on Tumblr, not forgetting writing curious sci fi porn when I should have studied writing articles, summaries and such. But you know what, if I'm not doing well in my English finals, fuck it. I know I can use the language and if I can't, there's nothing a year or two in London won't fix and I'm moving there after this school anyway. Same applies to pretty much everything. I know I can do things and I don't need exams to prove it in the end. I will try my best, of course, and I'm a bit afraid of that to be honest but at least I personally know that I can do things even if I failed every single exam there is. My parents may not see the difference, my friends may think I'm a total loser if I fail everything for my own laziness which most likely isn't laziness but subtle symproms of upcoming depression or other mental fuckshittery

So, things I'm good at:

• Writing. I know fuckin' well how to use dem words and I usually have things to say too, and if I don't, I shut the fuck up.
• Observing. I see things, I notice, I think, I associate, I analyse, I fuckin' observe and make mental notes and this applies on every field. I'm best at visual, social and psychological things but I do others too. Constantly.
• Socialising with new people, but only if I feel up to it and I find them worth bothering. 
• Finnish and English. I'm not good at other languages but these two are the babies I care the most about. I've loved English since I heard it for the very first time and here I am, abusing it in the most loving ways. Finnish, in the other hand, is the language of poetry to me, the language that hides secrets and tells beatiful stories, describes thoughts and meanings, when English speaks the words of dialogue, life, words spoken aloud, anything fast and moving, passion on its most known form. Finnish is a language of passion too, but its passion is raw, quiet, too powerful to be said aloud and noticeable even without telling.Yes, I could ramble on about these two for ages. Perhaps I will, one day. 
• Art. I'm not claiming to be a skill-wise talented artist in terms of drawing or painting or something like that, but I'm definitely talented at art in general. I know a lot about it and thanks to my observing skills, I can tell a lot about it even if I didn't actually know the facts in advance. I can use art and I know good ways of using it, I am creative and my way of thinking serves art well. Any kind of art, actually. I've even got rid of my dislike for sculpture quite recently.
• Listening. I'm available, I make time, I am there if I'm needed, but I fuck off if I'm not. I'm talkative as hell, yes, but I also know how to listen, I like making questions and I help all I can. Not all the time and not for everyone, but mostly, and when friends are in question, always, or at least I do my best.
• Dressing. Thanks to my art skills, I know how to dress well. Thanks to my creativity, I know how to do it without boring everyone to death.
• Other things. I think I'm off to do other things and either finish this later or let it be. I just wanted to think about things and write them down randomly. Well, that's what I always do. This is why I don't want to write for my living. I want to keep it as a way I do whenever I want and exactly how I want. I could work as a freelancer, though, or write books and things like that, but I couldn't have a nine to five job involving writing. It's something I do for myself. Visual art is for expressing and I can do it for the others too, yes, but writing is something I like to keep as a little funny thing I do sometimes. I take visual art far more seriously, too. I can have fun with words, I can use them oddly, I can do whatever with them and just you know, not worry about them because they've never been TEH NUMBER ONE thing for me and I've never taken writing that seriously. Visual art in the other hand, well, it's been MY LIFE for nearly half of it so yeah, it's quite natural that my viewpoints are more serious towards it. But visual art can be fun too. I do it for fun too. It's just something I could do for a living too. To pay the rent and bills and books and art supplies. And make the word a little prettier. 

Why can't anyone else believe in me but me, though? It's a thing I wonder. 

Haavisto on niin ruma tänä vkl:)

Minulla oli joku ihan jumalattoman hieno idea sosiaaliseen mediaan kantaa ottavasta blogitekstistä vielä päivällä äidinkielenopettajan kanssa keskustellessani, mutta nyt olen häpeällisesti mennyt unohtamaan sen. Onneksi parin minuutin facebook-selailu tarjoaa julmetusti aineistoa uusia ideoita varten, joten hätä ei ole tämännäköinen.

Ensiksi huomioni kiinnittyy kaikkiin kirjoitusvirheisiin ja yleisiin epäkohtiin, joita ihmisten teksteissä vilisee loputtomia määriä sosiaalisen median ulapoilla. Ihmiset eivät joko osaa kirjoittaa, tai sitten he eivät välitä, mikä taas on mielestäni sangen typerää ja lapsellista, koska tekstin kirjoitusasu vaikuttaa sen vakavastiotettavuuteen mitä suurimmissa määrin. Facebookissa on tullut vastaan niin hymiöitä ja välimerkkivirheitä pursuavia, hyvin epämuodollisia kilpailuilmoituksia kuin yksinkertaisia julistuksia, joissa erisnimet on kirjoitettu pienellä. Tämän päivän naurut sain kaverin ylihienon unen lisäksi lukiessani sivistyneen ja poliittisesti valveutuneen mielipiteen "suomen" tulevasta presidentistä, joksi tulisi kirjoittajan mukaan valita Niinistö ihan vain sen takia, että "Haavisto on niin ruma:)". Äänestysikäraja alkaa tuntua sangen järkeenkäyvältä näitä kolmetoistakesäisten tekstejä lueskellessa. Lisäksi joskus tuntuu, että nettiin pääsemistä varten pitäisi suorittaa jokin testi vähintään omasta äidinkielestään ja englannista. Ihmisten kielenkäyttö netissä on jotain ihan järkyttävää, eikä pelkästään siksi, että porukka typoaa ja kiroilee, vaan koska virkerakenteet, välimerkit, alkukirjaimet ja lyhenteet menevät yli puolella porukasta niin päin persettä, ettei tekstiä meinaa iljetä lukea. Yksikin viikonloppua tarkoittava vkl lisää, ja minulta napsahtaa verisuoni.

Sosiaalinen media kirvoittaa myös keskustelua. Porukka näyttää nykyään keskustelevan ihan outojenkin ihmisten kanssa yhteisten facebook-kavereiden statusten ja linkkien pohjalta. Muutama, lähinnä vaaliaiheinen, linkkini on aiheuttanut facebook-kavereideni välillä jos jonkinmoista keskustelua ja ihan väittelyäkin välillä, mikä mielestäni poikkeaa vanhempaan fb-käyttäytymiseen, jossa sivustoa käytettiin lähinnä omien kavereiden kanssa keskustelemiseen ja vuorovaikuttamiseen muiden kanssa käytävien keskustelujen sijaan. En ota kantaa siihen, onko muutos hyvä vai huono asia - niin kauan kun kaverini puhuvat nätisti, ne saavat minun puolestani puhua ihan mitä lystäävät. Itse asiassa se, että ihmiset jaksavat oikeasti kirjoittaa mielipiteitään ja niiden perusteluja, on hieno ja avartavakin asia.

Kaikesta tästä huolimatta ja osaksi myös johtuen, jättäisin facebookin mielelläni kokonaan, stalkkaisin julkkikseni uutissivustoilla ja Twitterissä ja keskustelisin jännien ihmisten kanssa Tumblrin, puhelimen ja vaikka Skypen tai muun vastaavan ohjelman välityksellä. Nykyisellään facebookiton jää kuitenkin niin helposti rannalle kaikista mahdollisista tapahtumista ja harva tuttavapiirini jäsen käyttää muuta sosiaalista mediaa tai on tarpeeksi tuttu tekstiviestipommitusta varten, joten naamakirjailuun on yhä turvauduttava, vaikka sitten pitkin hampain.

A Quick Excuse of a Blog Post

Alive, life is boring, thousands of things I should do but am not doing, you know, the basic. People annoy me because of their stupid behaviour - I really dislike how they write things, how they act and how they talk at times. I might be overprotective in terms of sexual orientation -related terms but I don't want to understand people who misuse every single word they find from the field. Sometimes even my friends do it and it annoys the hell out of me which they've probably noticed.

I don't give a shit if they dislike me for that because it's really immature to use the word 'gay' as an insult. Stupid people did it on the second grade! Why to do it ten fuckin' years later? To prove you're still ignorant and don't know better? Well, I don't know about that, but that's exactly the message you're sending me if you're doing it.

Tomorrow I'll vote. I'll have to. I would have voted today but I didn't know where my wallet was until I found it tonight after the place wasn't open anymore. Tomorrow I'm going to do lots of other stuff as well. Detailed list on Tumblr and I'm too lazy to copy. If you're not familiar with me on Tumblr, you don't actually need to know. It was all basic normal every day stuff, nothing you'd be interested in really. Just things like waking up in the morning and such.

I'm sick as usual, just a tad sicker than normally, though, as I think I'm getting a cold. My lungs aren't feeling too well and I'm coughing oddly but I guess it'll be alright after a while. I don't have a lot of school anymore, as I actually have only one class left and it's tomorrow, but I have tons of schoolwork to do and it sucks as I'm a lazy and motivation-wise extremely challenged person. Anyhow, take care, mates.

Preli

Äidinkielen tekstitaidon preli on sitten takana päin. Koulupäiviä on jäljellä koeviikon lisäksi kymmenkunta ja koulumotivaatio alkaa olla miinuksen puolella ja pahasti, mutta eteenpäin rämmitään. Ei ole enää monta aamua ja Lontooseenkin on vain neljä kuukautta. Töihin pitäis koittaa hakea, mutta tällä motivaatiotasolla sekin on tervanjuontia siinä missä melkein kaikki muukin. Tänään vois käydä toki kaupungissa kun järkällä oli joku systeemi ja no, tällä rahatilanteella mulla ei kyllä oikeestaan oo asiaa minnekään. Miralle pitäis maksaa velat, mutta olettaen että se tulee Hennalle, maksan siellä käteisellä. Håh. Tekee jumalattomasti mieli suklaata ja haluttaa myös piirtää.

Tein ratkaisun kaksikielisyysongelman kanssa ja päätin että kirjoitan millä kielellä huvittaa, kumminkin niin että sekä suomenkieliset että englannista enemmän välittävät ihmiset saavat silmänpohjansa polteltua tekstieni kanssa, painottamatta kumpaakaan toista enempää. Kääntäminen on kumminkin aina vittumaista hommaa, eikä sitä kehtaa ruveta tekemään kunnolla kumminkaan, varsinkin jos on niin kuin minä. Mää nimittäin oon mahdollisimman huono asiastatehden kääntämään mitään kun ymmärrän kaiken suoraan enkä käännä kielestä toiseen sillai this is a cat tämä on kissa -henkisesti.

Kuuntelen In der Palästraa ja ihmettelen miten Edenillä on niin hieno musiikkimaku. Kohta käyn kaupassa.

Challenged Motivationwise

I'm really bored. I should do things but I'm too lazy. What if I just watched a horror movie, ate some food and packed my things? Schoolwork - no, not in question. Not going to happen. Not going to do any hardcore writing nor drawing either, just doodling random shit without really concentrating, or so it seems. Oh, well. My life is rather boring. If I could choose, everything I have to do would just vanish and I wouldn't have to do it all. And I would magically become skinny too. You know, in a blink of an eye.

Well. At least I got myself forced out of the bed and got to the computer. It's not a big difference but certainly better than nothing. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me but actually, pretty much nothing. I'm just not motivated nor interested enough. Sigh.

Just John

Drawing this was really pleasant in a way. I cursed his face so many times I lost count. I cursed my own talents andt abilities. I cursed the fuckin’ computer and tablet even though I was perfectly aware it wasn’t their fault. But then I got it pretty much done and realised this is what I love to do. No matter how much I fail during the process. No matter how much I still need to learn. I love drawing and painting and even pointless doodling around which this kind of is, even though it took hours thanks to my easily distracted character and a couple of interruptions. It’s also a face study, which I should do a lot more. And other studies, oh man, how I should and perhaps and most likely too, will.
So yeah, to whoever blames me for raping a character or a person, I can proudly say that I enjoyed it so fuckin’ much that I would definitely do it again.

My comments on another website. I'd also like to say that he's Martin Freeman as John (fyea BBC Sherlock) just because John is awesome and Martin has become one of my favourite actors quite recently.

Oh yeah. It was worth all the cursing and losing the rest of my sanity. I feel nearly comfortable with drawing again. I'm actually sketching something almost serious from imagination now. 

Ahihii mää piirrän taas vähänkö siistiä.

Tipahtelulaulu

Illalla ajatukset kipittävät.
Ne tipahtelevat pitkin seiniä
punaisina pisaroina ja pudottautuvat
itsemurhiensa syövereihin
lattialistojen vierustoille

Hiljaisuus kohoaa pimeyden ylle
ja muuttaa kaupungin mutaiseksi
räntäsateeksi. Ei siinä ole
nostalgiaa, vaan harmautta
ja sylkistä odottamista

Seinien pientareilla kävelee
kuu, eikä aurinkoa ole näkynyt.
Särkyneet lehdet tipahtelevat
pitkin ulkona leijailevia ilman varjoja,
koti-ikäväänsä vailla

Illalla ajatukset tipahtelevat,
ne valuvat noroina veteen
Ei niitä voi koota käsillään
ei niitä voi ikinä juoda
Joskus kadehdin niitä
joiden mietteiden malja ei vuoda

Joka kevät

Asun harmaassa laatikossa joka kevät.
Sen huomaa kun kaktukset alkavat laulaa.
Asun harmaassa laatikossa joka kevät.
Sen huomaa kun tanssijat juovat jaloviinaa ja
asun harmaassa laatikossa joka kevät.
Siltä tuntuu olla iloinen kerran vuodessa, sillä
asun harmaassa laatikossa joka kevät.
Sammaleista sen tunnistaa ja niistä jotka näkevät
asun harmaassa laatikossa joka kevät.

Lähiöstä

Kuutamo ja yö peittelevät meidät lumeen.
Meistä tulee möykkyjä talven pedatuissa
lakanoissa ja hermostutamme kevään.
Sen on otettava ne pois ja laitettava uudestaan.
Mutta kuutamo ja yö peittelevät meidät lumeen.
Emmekä taida nousta ja kulkea.

Aluskasvillisuus

Olen monesti kävellyt näitä teitä.
Ne muistelevat kanssani ja miettivät
mitä oli vai oliko mitään ennen kuin oli meitä.

Olen haistanut puron hukkuvan hiekkaan.
Kuullut miten syksy tulee,
nähnyt miten mies nukkuu miekkaan.

Siellä mistä tulen syksy on aina.
On aina sopivan lämmintä ja kosteaa.
Siitä kasvit pitävät, mutta se on vain laina.

Siellä mistä tulen on ikuinen velka.
Aluskasvillisuus meitä isännöi ja
joka ilta kuuntelen kun luottoa peritään.

Olignonia

Elävä legenda
silloin kuin eli,
kun kuoli niin
kuolleeksi muuttui
Hän veikeä,
vallaton, vaelteli,
kun pysähtyi
juuristoon juuttui

Raindrops

I went to the grocery shop nearby. Saw an old… Saw a person from the days long gone. The air around felt thick of unsaid hellos and goodbyes, questions and greetings, explanations, life, time that has passed, we being perfectly aware of it. I breathed in the emotion, felt like drowning as if it had been liquid and perhaps it was, and in a minute he was gone like he’d never been there. I found traces afterwards, I smelled the oddity in his clothes, new people around him, new places he had been to. He hadn’t changed a lot and neither have I. 

And here I sit, in my upstairs bedroom, on the window sill looking at the busy city below and think about the other tiny persons around its corners and turns, wondering how often or seldom it is when they stop to think like I do now. No snow, but it’s raining again and the raindrops find the glass like our younger fingers did each other, sticking to it but falling down and fading away after a while.

Webcam's fun

I derp your hair straight. Damn right I will. It's the only thing I derp straight.